Self reflection can be a difficult process. We spend alot of time not sitting alone with our thoughts, brushing aside our feelings but that can be so detrimental to our mental health. It can affect us physically as well. I’ve been thinking alot about my childhood and how much it has affected my adulthood. I was adopted at age 3, and the man who was suppose to be a dad to me, made me feel adopted every day. He singled me out and was an asshole. He also was an alcoholic and drug addict. I understand there was more to things than I’ll ever know, but still.. I was a kid. A kid who was already dealing with the knowledge that my bio parents gave me up. I learned to keep quiet, to keep myself basically invisible. It was survivor mode constantly.
I try not to be a bother, a burden. I try to avoid asking people for help. If I have to get a ride from someone, I’m ready and probably waiting outside for them. If I’m shopping, I’m quick about it. I don’t want to waste their time. I assume they have other things they need/want to do. Around the house, I’m super quiet, I avoid doing things I need to do. I wait until people are gone or asleep to get things done. This isn’t ALL the time,, but more often than not, I find myself behaving this way. I get anxious when I’m noticed and have attention for any length of time.
Of course, I have had plenty of times when I’m confident and don’t care what people think. Being with someone like M helps. He encouraged me and would get me out of my room, seeking attention in various ways. I was painfully shy as a little girl. I would hide behind my moms legs whenever anyone talked to her. I transitioned from being shy to being introverted. I love my alone time, I feel so off when I’m around people. I definitely have issues in relationships, most don’t understand it. Don’t get me wrong, I can function in society, I’d just rather not. Something that has exacerbated this behavior is my eyesight problems. Having to depend on others is hard. I truly feel like a burden and part of me was afraid of living with M. I would worry he’d feel the drain of having to help me so much. I felt he’d regret being with me because I was broken. It’s not fair to him, but these were my concerns. It’s embarrassing for me at times when people take notice of my struggles. I feel invalid and incompetent.
One thing that has been bothering me is, a Twitter friend was asking for addresses so he could mail out Christmas cards. I debated a few days on whether to give him mine. I talked myself out of it, I didn’t want to put myself out there like that. I dread rejection and abandonment so much. I wanted that connection, but felt I wasn’t anyone he’d want to give a card to.
I want to be more assertive, more confident and willing to engage more. I don’t ask friends to do things with me, I don’t call/text because I don’t want to bother them. I don’t have much to say anyways. It’s a constant struggle but at the same time, I’m ok with it. Alot less drama in my life. Deep down, I’m perfectly ok with who I am, I just need to tweak some things.
My oldest said I should go back to college. I never finished and would like to get my degree in Psychology. I’ve been thinking about it, it’s not high on my list of priorities though. I am however, going to pick up my adoption research. I started it back in my 20’s, stopped then occasionally would look into things. I just want answers, whatever I can find out. It’s not fun going through life not knowing where you come from, who you come from. I’m ready to deal with it, I’m not looking for communication, just some knowledge.
I happened upon this podcast and this particular episode. Alot of it really resonated deeply. Take a moment and learn what T.I.M.E means. Definitely a motivating listen! Ties in with my last blog, which just tells me that the universe agrees with me. I’m on the right path…
Under The Willowtree 